Blind Fools
by doopdoop2
Summary: After the final battle, after the war is over and the last enemies are gone - where do you go from there? (Postgame, post-A Support Raven/Lucius.)


Lucius was usually good at judging Lord Raymond's moods, reading in between the lines - hearing what he said but knowing what he actually meant. At times it was quite different from the words themselves. Lord Raymond could lose his head in anger, but Lucius was years beyond being offended by anything he said during these times.

But after they spoke about their plans for after the war - a conversation they had during a battle, foolishly and blindly, as if nothing existed in the world but them - he did not quite understand it. Lucius knew there was something deeper at work in Raymond's words, something beyond the surface, but he did not know exactly what. So he thought and thought, hoping to come to some kind of understanding. He knew asking Lord Raymond directly would offer no clue, and might in fact bring the truth further away. He continued to think across days and weeks, as battles and then the war itself were won.

_I need no bride to jabber at me._

Raymond needed no bride because - because why? Because he had Lucius. But Lucius did not want to stay at home cooking and cleaning and planting a garden if it meant he could count on one hand the number of times he'd see Lord Raymond in a year. It sounded nice, sounded pleasant - a cottage in the hills, perhaps, or something in a big city, with many neighbors - but it was worthless if it meant being apart from Lord Raymond.

It was only in their recent conversations that Lucius understood exactly how precious he was to Lord Raymond. He should have understood this all along, but it wasn't until Raymond said it aloud that it actually sunk in. Lucius had to be told outright. The words had hit him like a blow.

_I was scared to lose the last of my family._

_Then how do you think _**_I _**_feel?! _Lucius had wanted to say in reply. To imagine being at home, waiting, praying, never knowing if Lord Raymond would make it back home -

The idea left a bitter taste in his mouth. No, that would not do. But it was a tricky situation they were now in, weeks after this conversation, which in Lucius's mind had not yet been finished. The world was saved; the party had split up, with the royalty traveling with their respective vassals back to their homelands after the final battle. Unsure where to go, Raymond and Lucius had traveled with Hector to Ostia, where they still were now, living in a sort of limbo, an in-between state. It was not a permanent home, but that they had gone there at all filled Lucius with a kind of pride. It was not many months ago that Raymond still sought vengeance against the man who was now their host.

But Lucius was beginning to feel desperate at not knowing what was in store for himself and Raymond. They _needed _to come to some kind of agreement, Lucius felt, or he would not be able to feel calm here. He didn't _think _Lord Raymond would leave him without warning, but it was possible he'd get some foolhardy notion in his head about Lucius's safety and run off without regard to what Lucius actually wanted. And Lucius would be left picking up the pieces - having to decide whether to chase after him or go his own way, because there was no way he could spend a lifetime waiting - no matter how much Raymond would have preferred that.

So Lucius took matters into his own hands and brought it up, finding Lord Raymond in his quarters one evening and approaching him directly. Raymond looked surprised to see him, and a little wary too; Lucius tried to keep his face blank, wondering what Raymond was assuming he was there for. "May I speak with you, Lord Raymond?"

"Whether I say yes or no, you'll do it anyways," Raymond said. "So go ahead, I suppose." He was sitting at a desk, writing something by candlelight, but he set his quill down as Lucius entered the room.

"Your plans for the future - what are they?"

"Of course your question couldn't be something like 'What is your favorite food?' could it," Raymond said, rolling his eyes. "I should have known you'd never come here just to chat with me."

It was an entirely unfair thing to say; they chatted all the time - not to mention Lucius would never _need _to ask something as petty as Raymond's favorite food, because he already knew the answer. But Lucius's question had no doubt been surprising, out of the blue as it had been.

Lucius stood in the middle of Raymond's room, hands clenched into fists at his sides. He would not back down, would not let his question be laughed off or brushed aside. "I find it difficult to relax enough to chat at the moment, being in the dark about your future plans as I am," he said. "If you would care to enlighten me, we can resume discussions of more casual subjects."

"What are _your _plans for the future, Lucius?"

Lucius shifted where he stood. "My answer depends on your answer."

"It shouldn't."

Another entirely unfair thing to say. Lord Raymond should know by now that Lucius was not the type to flippantly go his own way, heedless of others. "Ideally, my answer to your question about my future plans would be the same as yours, Lord Raymond."

Raymond's eyes were bright, or perhaps that was only the candlelight playing tricks on Lucius. "Where I go may not be a safe place. I know this war was hard on you-"

"I am not asking you to change your plans for me," Lucius cut in. "If you think I will not like them, that may be so - but I will hold my tongue. I will not jabber at you." He used the same word as Raymond had the last time they'd had this discussion, and he saw the flash of recognition in Raymond's eyes at it. Good - it had been Lucius's aim.

"That isn't what I want, either," Raymond said.

"Is traveling with me so abhorrent?"

"No," Raymond said quickly, too quickly - the speed of his response betrayed him. Lucius held back a smile. "Not so abhorrent," Raymond went on, his tone affectedly casual. "That is not the point I'm trying to make."

"I fail to see the point at all, then."

"Whether or not you hold your tongue, I know you well enough to know you may not like the places I plan to go," Raymond said, after a long pause. He spoke slowly, thoughtfully, and Lucius felt himself soaking up every word, trying to memorize them, to parse later at his leisure. "Your displeasure will be evident enough to me no matter what you do or do not say. I plan to live a mercenary's life, at least for some time. For as long as my body will let me live that way. Hector made me an offer," he added, and Lucius blinked in surprise at the suddenness of the statement, the apparent non sequitur.

"An offer?"

"He said he would help me rebuild Cornwell."

"Did you-"

"I rejected his offer," Raymond said. "Did you not hear what I was just saying? I do not want to spend my time rebuilding, not now at least. -I see the disapproval in your eyes, Lucius. Even when you don't speak aloud, your true feelings are as clear as day."

"I'm not disapproving of you," Lucius said, taking an involuntary step towards where Raymond sat. "I believe you may in fact be reading too much into my facial expressions. I do not disapprove of your rejection of the offer, and I would not disapprove if you lived a mercenary's life. I would only remind you that I am a soldier and a fighter quite as wholly as you are."

"You'd rather I married some random woman if it meant you could stay with me?"

Lucius looked at him in confused silence for a moment. "If you absolutely insist on having a well-kept home to which you can return, of course I'd advise you find a wife. Although I already know your opinion of the matter," he added quickly. "There is no way I will happily stay at home while you are out fighting. If you forbid me from staying at your side, it will keep me no safer."

Raymond narrowed his eyes. "Stubborn as always."

"That is why I said my future plans hinge on yours," Lucius said. "_ Please _let me travel with you. I firmly believe it would be the best for both of us. And do not assume I will disapprove of your choices - I've disapproved of precious little you've done since you've given up your plans for revenge. I would not try to influence your future plans unless they were as ill-advised as those had been."

Lord Raymond smiled, his face wry, ironic. "And I have no doubt that if I did leave without you, you'd come after me, following me, as if you were my guardian angel, wouldn't you."

Lucius said nothing, just held his head high. There was no use arguing when his motivations had already been laid so bare.

"Are you going to find yourself a wife, too, Lucius? Doesn't the idea of having a home to come back to sound nice? Someone who was missing you?"

_Why does he keep returning to this? _Lucius wondered. "I find the idea of marrying when I've no idea when I will return home particularly unfair to the woman in question. - Not to mention, do I seem the marrying type to you?"

"What does the 'marrying type' mean?" Raymond asked, the look in his eyes almost cruel.

"In an arrangement like marriage, what have I to offer any potential partner? No money, no land, nothing of any note. I fear I would not be a very catchworthy husband."

"And your wife might not like hearing how deep your loyalty to me runs."

Lucius frowned, not sure exactly what Raymond meant by that. "I have a servant's heart, and I have complete loyalty towards you, that's true."

"And if I marry, and you and I come home from our adventuring for good in five years, maybe ten, and I can finally live with my wife in my home - what then, Lucius? What will happen to you?"

Lucius looked at the floor. Raymond's words seemed designed to strike a chord in him, one he wasn't sure he appreciated being struck. "You were offended when I asked about your future plans, and you in turn ask me about mine? That seems-"

"What will happen to you, Lucius, if I have a wife?"

Lucius wasn't sure how he'd gotten himself tangled in this strange mess of words, or how to get himself out. "I don't see how my role in your life will be changed in that circumstance," he said. "Your wife would be no servant; she and I would not serve you the same way."

Raymond shook his head. It was almost as if he was disgusted, or perhaps angry, but Lucius could not make heads or tails as to why that might be. The conversation seemed to be traveling further and further from the safe, solid ground upon which it had begun.

"Lord Raymond," Lucius said, almost pleading, "please tell me what information you are looking for from me. I do not understand the purpose of your questions."

"You must be a saint," Raymond said, getting to his feet. His chair made a loud scraping sound on the wood floor, and Lucius winced. "You don't have a single jealous bone in your body, do you? Would it truly be fine with you for me to marry a woman, sleep with her, have children with her - would you simply smile at me and keep serving me as before?"

Lucius felt his face flush. For a long time he could not speak, as if the air had been forcefully knocked out of his lungs. "Lord Raymond," he said at last, the silence getting too heavy to bear. With the light now behind him, Raymond's face was in shadow. "I would have no say over such things. Nor would I ever expect to."

"And that means you'd be just fine with it, does it?"

"It's something I've had a very long time to become 'fine' with," Lucius said. He swallowed, his throat dry. "I've always known it was your future to marry, just because of who you are. I've always known that nothing I said or felt would ever change that, and that's how it should be."

"It took this whole damned war for me to realize that you are quite unlike any other servant," Raymond said, voice angry but gaze focused somewhere in the distance. "Your loyalty is far above and beyond what any lord should expect from a vassal."

"You're right," Lucius said. It was hard to speak his affection aloud, this prickly, unwanted thing he'd kept inside himself for so long. "I love you, and not merely as a servant should love the man he serves. I love you very much, Lord Raymond, but I am wise enough to understand that my love is - inconsequential."

"Not to you it's not," Raymond said. "You look like you're close to crying. Like a child."

This was another one of those _read between the lines _moments, Lucius knew. Yes, he felt tears welling up behind his eyes - but Raymond's expression had changed too. It was no longer angry; in fact, he looked concerned. "Please try to ignore my tears if they bother you, because I am unable to control them," Lucius said. "It is the first time I've said this aloud and I find it difficult to discuss."

"I don't want to ignore your tears."

Lucius looked at him sharply.

"You're a fool, Lucius," Raymond went on. "I don't _want _a wife. Not now, not ever. I was only saying those things to get a reaction out of you, you know."

"You don't want a wife now, perhaps, but you're young. Someday you'll-"

"I said _not ever, _" Raymond cut in. "I mean it, Lucius. I will never marry a woman."

Lucius blinked, taken aback. He did not know what to say in response. Raymond went on: "I wanted you home to protect you, you were correct. But also for the reason I stated: I wanted to have you there, to come home to."

"Lord Raymond…"

"You're blind," Raymond said. "How plainly do I have to say it for you to understand? I'm in no hurry to leave you either, you idiot. I'm scared to lose you, but I see now that leaving you at home will have the opposite effect I'm looking for. If you're so stubborn that you'll threaten to follow me, there's no way I'll do anything but take you along with me on my travels. You'd certainly do something even more dangerous while chasing after me, should I try keeping you cooped up somewhere."

Lucius broke out in a smile. "Thank you, Lord Raymond!"

"And you're blind now to not realize how my future's changed," he went on. "Maybe as a lord I'd be destined to marry a woman, but now that I've got control of my own life - why would I continue that path? I've _never _wanted a woman."

"You're young," Lucius said, knowing he was repeating himself, "you may someday-"

"I'm not talking marriage," Raymond said. "I've never _wanted _a woman, Lucius. Period."

Lucius stared at him, silent, hopeful.

"You're blind not to realize how similar I am to you," Raymond said. "In my future, I only see you. I only _want _to see you. If you travel with me, we won't need to come home."

"Oh," Lucius said. For a moment he could think of no other words. "Lord Raymond, I… That's…"

And then he really did cry, turning away to hide his stupid childish tears - until he felt Lord Raymond take hold of him, turn him back around and embrace him. For a moment Lucius was so stunned he stopped crying; he could not remember Raymond ever holding him like this, and certainly never being the one to initiate it. But it was easy to relax in his arms - it was easy to get used to. It was Raymond, after all. Lucius had dreamed of this for a long time.

"I will follow you anywhere," Lucius said, once they'd separated. He wiped his eyes, hoping he hadn't gotten Raymond's shoulder too terribly damp. "And you know my past attempts to change your plans have been only for your own good."

"Is your jabbering only for my own good, too?" Raymond said. "You know, I can believe that, somehow."

"It's true," Lucius said. "But when we are traveling together, I swear I will keep the jabbering to a bare minimum. I'd never want you to regret your decision."

"No," Raymond said, "there's no need. I don't know how it happened, exactly, but I've somehow grown fond of your jabbering. I can't imagine living without it."

"In that case, I will jabber at you for exactly as long as you let me."

"You can jabber my whole life long," Raymond said, his smile echoing Lucius's own.


End file.
